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For Dudes Who Can’t Get Chicks

November 16, 2011

If you are a guy who wonders why he can’t get a date, here are a few things that might be holding you back. The following tips are not meant to be life-changing or difficult to put into practice. Nor are they based on any survey or statistical evidence but my own observations which, until proven otherwise, I shall continue to hold as fact.

1. Can you dress? This is a double edged sword. If you dress like a GQ model, women will accurately infer that you are a) gay, b) self-absorbed, or c) European. If this last is the case, you’re in the clear, but your English had better be passable, because women like conversation. (See item 5.)

If a does not apply, that leaves b, self-absorbed. There’s no shame in taking care of yourself, but if you look like you spend more time in front of the mirror than John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, you’re only going to attract a certain kind of woman, and it’s not the dating kind, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

However, the over-dressed man is a rarity compared to his under-dressed counterpart. Think of it this way, boys: wearing shirts that are clean and fit you well make it look like at some point some woman thought you were worth buying clothes for. If it looks like someone signed up for that before, maybe someone will think you’re worth signing up for again. Hedge your bets, go on a shirt mission. Go to a store like Banana Republic that only stocks decent, non-horrendous shirts, so you can’t mess up. “Guy in collared shirt” ranks higher than “guy in t-shirt,” the same way “girl in dress” ranks higher than “hot mess.” Be the change you wish to see in your dating life! Your appearance matters.

2. How do you smell? Another double edged sword! If you don’t bathe or brush your teeth, you will only be eligible for women who don’t care if you bathe or brush your teeth. I could be wrong, but I don’t think that type of woman is what most men have in mind.

On the other hand, women like a man’s natural odor, (in moderation!) more than they like the smell of Manly Man Men’s Soap or a cologne chemical bath. Women’s noses tend to be more sensitive than men’s, so if you don’t have the money for a high quality cologne or the sense to use it sparingly, don’t wear any at all. She’ll be just fine with a mild deodorant, but she’ll judge you for an overwhelming odor, no matter how manly the commercial tells you their product is.

3. Do you dance? If your motherfuckin’ ass don’t dance, I don’t know how you ever expect to get a girl. Women love to dance, and when a man says “No, I don’t dance,” what they hear is “No, I like my lukewarm beer and my sad, lonely barstool better than I like close proximity to women. I am an enemy of fun.” All right, you sad sack, have fun dying alone, then.

Even if you’re not attracted to her, dance anyway, because guess what? Every chick in the joint is dying to get on the dance floor, and when they see that you’re down, you’re suddenly on their radar. You look fun and confident, and that’s attractive to women.

4. Nice guys don’t finish last. weak-willed pushovers finish last. If you don’t intend to be just friends, then don’t try to act like that’s all your intentions are, and then bitch and moan about what a nice guy you are and how ill-used you are, when she doesn’t come rushing pantiless into your open arms. If you’ve been misleading her into thinking you’re her friend, while secretly indulging in perverted fantasies, then that’s not really very nice, is it? It’s actually weird and creepy, and is the reason why you can’t get a date.

Don’t be afraid to flirt. She’s more likely to make the first move if she knows you’re interested in her, but you can’t count on this. Be straightforward about your intentions, and she’ll respect that. She might not run to your open arms, but at least you’ll both know where you stand.

5. Surprise! Women do not think with their dicks. They don’t fuck first and ask questions later. For the most part, they understand that most men do think this way, and they act in the interest of their own safety; therefore, getting to know you through conversation comes first. If you can’t get a date, you’re most likely weak in this department. Conversation is not hard, but it does mean looking her in the eye without aiming your penis at her all the time. (She notices, trust me.) Ask her a few questions, and listen to her answers. You might not think this is as fun as sex, but you can either play the game or continue to lose.

Do you agree with these five points?

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15 Comments leave one →
  1. Liz Jones permalink
    November 17, 2011 8:43 am

    I wholeheartedly agree with your list. I would also add that a guy needs to have a job. No girl is going to go for an unemployed dude. For a random sexual encounter? Sure. But not for a date. 

    Personally I go for guys in t-shirts before collared shirts, because I tend to associate collared shirts with being kind of stuck up. But that could just be me. I like my guys to be laid back. That being said, it has to be a clean, well-fitting t-shirt of higher quality, and preferably without stupid sayings, video game references, or anything that would indicate he has the maturity of a 12-year-old. 

    I also associate cologne with stuck-up-ness. I realize this is faulty reasoning, because my brother wears cologne, and I know he isn’t stuck up. But I was not at all hesitant to complain loudly when he wore too much of it, so I think he got the hint. I find anyone who wears too much cologne to be a bit delusional about their cool factor. 

    I would also add for 3 that it really says a lot about a guy if he is willing to make a fool out of himself and risk being bad at dancing. But if he thinks that, maybe he should just go and watch Hitch, particularly the part where Will Smith is trying to teach the fat dude how to dance. It’s really not that hard to not suck at dancing. And guys should keep in mind that it’s really easy to go over the top with goofy dancing. A sense of humor is a good thing, but there is a limit. My dad surpassed this limit 100% of the time, so I am particularly sensitive to goofy dancing. If a guy goofy-dances, that’s an instant lady-boner-killer for me. At that point, I would rather he just didn’t dance. Ever. 

    I was a victim of item number 4 in college. And after I rejected the guy, he blogged about his fantasies. I only skimmed through, but it was vomit inducing. Please, guys, just be honest! It’s really not that complicated. 

    For item 5, the quality of conversation is also key. I think a lot of guys need to develop more interests and hobbies that we can relate to. Sports and video games just aren’t that interesting to most girls. It’s fine to like them, but it’s not fine if a guy likes them so much that they’re the only topics he can discuss at length. 

    And please, for the love of god, guys. Fucking watch The Princess Bride. 

    • November 17, 2011 12:35 pm

      A job does help! I think that’s a deep-rooted prerequisite for a lot of women, even if it’s increasingly obsolete. Pre-contraception days, back when women were popping out a baby every other year or so, a man with no income or no deer-hunting skills compromised the survival odds of the entire family. It’s no longer the case, but old habits die hard.

      I’m with you on the shirts – as long as they fit and are semi-stylish. Women aren’t quite as visually oriented, in general, so looks don’t matter as much in terms of attraction. Moreso I think we’re looking for signs that a man cares about himself.

      As far as dancing is concerned – I don’t care if you have no moves whatsoever. It’s all about having the self-confidence to get out there in the first place. But…I tend to be a fairly goofy dancer myself, because it’s more fun than Serious Business. Whoever’s having the most fun wins.

      As for conversation – yeah, quality does matter, but it’s so subjective from person to person. I’m comparing basic skills to “hey there. I was thinking maybe you could give me a ride home.” This did actually happen, and I was like “…? Who are you? Why would I go home with you? Why don’t you have a car?”

      • November 17, 2011 6:08 pm

        I think the job thing goes along more with the “caring about himself” thing. If a guy (or anyone for that matter) is unemployed, I tend to think of that person as lazy and irresponsible. I don’t care if it’s not a “good” job, and he could even be a student, just so long as he’s doing something with his life other than sitting around, watching porn, and drinking beer. If he doesn’t care enough about himself or his life to get a job so he can afford to do things (and I don’t mean date things- I mean like affording rent, buying food, etc.), then I lose interest right quick.

        As far as dancing goes, I definitely have more of a goofy thing going as well. Fun is important, definitely. Really, I think it comes down to this for me: If I’m already attracted to a guy, it won’t matter to me if he’s a goofy dancer. I will probably go out and dance goofily with him. But if I’m on the fence about a guy, his goofy dancing will definitely not help his case.

        But haha, wtf. Makes for a funny story, but a sad, sad reality. I agree that conversation is subjective. I guess I can’t really say what makes a good conversation. There’s no formula. I just know when it’s bad, and for me, it feels like it’s bad more often than not (though thankfully I have not yet been propositioned to provide a ride home).

  2. November 17, 2011 9:23 am

    First of all, I love the attitude, and second you were right on with everything. I think I’m gonna pass this around to my male friends–might help them out!

  3. Anonymous permalink
    November 17, 2011 9:37 am

    so whats a good way to let a girl know your intentions without sounding too forward?

    • November 17, 2011 1:07 pm

      Ah, good question, anon.

      I think the easiest way to let her know you’re interested is just to ask her out. If you’re nervous about it, start small, like “Maybe we could go for coffee sometime.” This tests the water for how she feels about it, but it’s a two part follow-up.

      Most women will fell too guilty to say no, so don’t take “yeah sure!” as a sign that she’s totally into you. (Women being indirect: whole other story for another time.) Instead, use it as an opportunity to get her phone number, and say something non-aggressive, like “Maybe sometime this weekend.” Then let it go for now, but follow up with her that Saturday. Give her a call, keep it light, say “Hey, I thought we could meet up around one at Coffee Shop XYZ.” Have a place in mind! Nothing is worse than waffling over the phone, trying to decide a place and time to meet up. Just have a proposal, and if she needs to negotiate, she will.

      If she’s been waiting for your call, her schedule will probably be open. If she says she’s busy, say “Okay, well, another time then,” and leave it at that. If she proposes another time, you’re in. If she lets go, then just drop it for now, and try again ONCE later in the week.

      If you’re confident enough to ask her on a date date, try to think outside the box. Dinner and drinks is standard fair, so if you want to be like every other guy she’s ever dated, you’re set. However, if you want to stand out as someone who actually puts some effort into what he does, take her to the races. Instead of springing for an expensive dinner, break it down into two dollar bets on every race, and spend the day there. (Horses, you fool! Not stock car races. Unless she’s into that, in which case, go for it.) If there are no race tracks nearby, go to a wine tasting, or a circus, or something that will create a memory and bolster your impression on her.

      Doing things like this (coffee, races, circus, whatever) lets her know that you’re interested in her on a romantic level, without being too forward about your sexual agenda. Having a sexual agenda is fine, but as with #5, you have to play her game if you want her to play yours, and then everybody wins.

  4. November 19, 2011 10:06 am

    Good reply Iris! Anon, I agree with her. Show her you’re interested but don’t push too hard. Whether she likes you or not, pushing too hard may just ruin any chance you ever had.

  5. Anonymous permalink
    November 19, 2011 10:04 pm

    Good advice ladies, and much appreciated. Another question, if she was interested in me, but I hesitated to “strike while the iron was hot” as in making a move to really express how I felt because I still had a genuine interest to learn her personality, and she places me in the friend zone… is it possible to move to a potential romantic interest again? It seems my quest for a committed relationship has changed the way I play “the game” I am no longer interested in simply “scoring” I want to start setting up franchises lol

    • November 20, 2011 12:40 pm

      is it possible to move to a potential romantic interest again?

      Definitely! Any kind of relationship is fluid and changeable, which is what makes them so interesting, nerve-wracking, painful, and rewarding.

      I think it’s important to distinguish who placed whom in the “friend” category first. Although there are exceptions, women generally aren’t motivated pursuers: if a guy doesn’t seem like he’s interested, she’ll back off right away, usually before the guy can even recognize her interest in the first place. So if you didn’t seem romantically interested at first because you wanted to get to know her, she may have put you on the friends list only because she thought you had done so already. Since she was interested in the first place, that interest is only dormant, not gone forever, and what you now have in your favor is the knowledge that you can get along, without sex entering the equation. The same way a man likes to know he’s valued for more than just the depth of his wallet, a woman likes to feel she’s valued as more than just a vagina.

      When it comes to shifting the nature of your relationship, the number one thing you absolutely DO NOT do is brace yourself and confess your feelings, completely out of left field. This will throw her off balance, and put her in the awkward position of having to make her decision right then and there. If you’re on her friend list, she might not know how she feels about you in the context of “potential partner,” and she’s likely to turn you down just to get herself out of that situation, to give herself time to think about what just happened. This leads to dime-store drama and angsting, for both parties.

      Instead, I think the best course of action is, again, to just ask her out. Whether or not it’s a bonafide date is a moot point: this is just a way to spend time with her one on one. If you have fun together and enjoy each other’s company, the potential for a relationship is there. Try to be aware of nonverbal cues such as prolonged eye contact, mirroring your posture, and any variety of physical contact. (Word to the wise: if a woman takes your watch, it’s on.)

      Try to think of a unique activity that you will both enjoy. Give her a reason to compare you positively against people she has been on actual “dates” with, most of which were probably at a restaurant, the movies, or a bar. Of course those activities have their place, but for a lot of women, those are the only kinds of dates they’ve ever been on. Try to create something memorable.

      You can begin to test the water with nonverbal cues of your own to see if she’s receptive to you, such as touching the same thing she’s touching, which is like indirect physical contact; a stepping stone. Say she’s looking at a map of the zoo or whatever, and you stand next to her and hold one corner of the map as well. If she allows this, that’s good. If, after a shorter time than you would like, she gives the map to you or turns away with it, that’s not so good. One of the things I’ve both seen and had happen time and again is someone who wants their actions to be accepted a certain way, so they either can’t or refuse to see how the other person is actually responding. Try not to mistake polite acquiescence for romantic interest – quality of eye contact will be your greatest cue here.

      When it comes to being physical, you can’t go wrong with going slow. It’s not necessary with all women, but it doesn’t hurt. Casual contact leads to prolonged contact, which leads to casual hugging, which leads to prolonged hugging, etc. This establishes a sense of safety and trust, and if you skip it, it’s likely to bite you in the ass later on, especially since she already trusts you as a friend. Don’t go leaning in for the kiss until she’s comfortable with the “prolonged hugging” stage. Some people can get through all these stages in one night; with others it might take some time. Take the initiative, but don’t push it past the point where she’s comfortable.

      • November 27, 2011 12:59 am

        Again, Iris, you are amazingly eloquent! I couldn’t agree more with everything you said, wouldn’t have been able to express it so clearly and think all your advice should help Anon our greatly. Anon, this is a GREAT source of advice =]

  6. November 20, 2011 10:11 am

    It’s because of posts like these that I LOVE your blog. Great job, Iris!
    Can I add one more point to #1? That’d be: a man should never spend more time than a woman in front of the mirror. In which case you’re so damn right: guys, you’re not John Travolta!

    • November 20, 2011 12:50 pm

      Thanks Jersey!

      Spending too much time with the mirror is always a red flag, although there are higher expectations for women’s appearances, so they deserve some leeway, I think. It’s not fair, for instance, for a man to say “I love your long hair, it’s so soft and smells good,” and then turn around and get all impatient and condescending when his girlfriend spends too much time in the bathroom, making sure her hair is soft and smells good! I guess it’s just a matter of walking that line, between “well groomed” and “high maintenance.”

  7. December 30, 2011 8:36 am

    I LOVE this! I’m sending it to all my guy friends immediately!

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