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Top 5 Recent Films That Should Have Never Been Made

October 2, 2011

First off let me just admit that there are a lot of movies that I won’t watch because the quality of the trailer or title or word of mouth prematurely annihilated any interest I may have had.  This includes anything with roman numerals, such as Harry Potter VIII, Twilight V, Pirates of the Carribean IV, etc.  2011 has been a dry year in this regard, with a record-breaking 27 sequels on the docket.

By and large, super hero movies are out as well either because it’s a super hero I’ve never heard of, or it’s a super hero I have heard of (usually in the context of 1970’s Super Friends reruns) who I don’t think is cool enough to deserve his own movie, i.e. Green Lantern or the Wonder Twins.  So while I may have heard from numerous sources that Green Lantern is the worst film of 2011, I’ll never know for sure because I’m not dumb enough to watch it in the first place.  And guess what: when they make a Wonder Twins film, I’m not going to watch that either.

First up in the list of films that should have never been made:

1. Arthur

This film should obviously have never been made, because it already had been made, and there was no way anyone was ever going to top Steve Gordon’s opus, so I don’t know why they even tried.  Hubris is the only excuse.  I knew this film was going to be horrible, but I gave it ten minutes anyway, either out of morbid curiosity, masochism, or the simple need to prove myself right. Although I didn’t watch the whole thing, I posit that one of the many reasons it sucked big time is because the Linda Morolla role – a meaty and respectable part in the original, a role actresses would actually want – was watered down to something Jennifer Aniston would have played ten years ago (and is still trying to play today).  Which brings us to number two:

2.  Anything with Jennifer Aniston

             etc.

Jennifer Aniston is an insipid, sitcom-level actress, and she has no business being on the big screen. Her series of tragic love affairs are the only thing keeping her in the public eye, and she’s been using that to dominate tabloid covers for what, the last ten years?  She’s 42!  If she hasn’t found it by now, it ain’t gonna happen, not with the way she chews through men.  I guess actors with dignity have the sense to stay out of the tabloids, while actors with no talent have no other choice.

Anyway, I’m counting Jennifer Aniston movies #1-47 all as one film that should have never been made.  (Really, when we look back on this era of female stars, what will we have to say for ourselves?)

3.  Hereafter

Clint Eastwood thinks he can get away with an awful lot, but I’m drawing the line at Hereafter.  Eastwood tends to make moody, pseudo-profound films that actually have very little content or depth, which give the impression that he ponders the meaning of life over a bowl of cereal in the morning.  Hereafter is a prime example of this tendency, with a meandering, noncommittal plot about communicating with the souls of the dead.  For all that actually happens – tsunami, cooking class, kids getting hit by cars – none of it really goes anywhere, and the characters are as vague as the rest of the film: they could have depth, but they just don’t.  I waited for this film to make its point for about two hours, and it never happened.  So my point is, this film should have never been made.

4.  The Smurfs

Smurfs suck.  They have always sucked.  I have not seen this movie, but its existence annoys me.  I hate Smurfs.  To make myself feel better I chose this Spanish poster image, but it turns out I hate los Pitufos also.

5.  Grown Ups

This film isn’t super-recent.  In fact, it’s not even the most recent work of crap Sandler has put out lately, but since Jennifer Aniston was in his last film, Just Go With It, I figured that was covered on the list of films that shouldn’t have been made, although it does rank lower on my scale since I got a paycheck out of that one and learned how to play poker.

The reason I’ve included Grown Ups is because it’s a prime example of the self-indulgent tripe that comes from having more money than you do talent.  At his best, Sandler isn’t a bad actor, but he’s never been much of a writer and that really shows in this script, which could be summed up as: “A bunch of guys get together and do fun stuff.”  Even Just Go With It at least had a plot.  I’m sure they had a great time filming it, but it had no heart, no story, and like all of Sandler’s work, the comedy was juvenile and cheap.  I know not everyone is looking for depth in a lighthearted comedy flick, and that’s fine, but at least show me something that hasn’t been done before.  “Man gets shot with arrow,” while not the oldest trick in the book, is still pretty decrepit by any comedic standard.  This movie brought absolutely nothing to the table, and a year after its release it’s already as though it had never been made.  Therefore, it should never have been made.

I think that sentiment really hits the core of this exercise: none of the above films brought anything to the table.  Arthur is a bad remake of a good film; completely unnecessary.   I dare anyone to recall the the title of a single Aniston film.  Hereafter, for all its smoke and melodrama, had nothing to say about anything.  Smurfs are and have always been godawful – we didn’t need a feature length film to reiterate that, and no one even remembered that Grown Ups exists and was only released last year.  So.  What other films should have never been made?

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. October 3, 2011 2:05 am

    Haha good one, although I have to say I sort of not so secretly love Jennifer Aniston movies *blush*

    • October 3, 2011 8:36 am

      Hey, there’s no shame in it. I sort of a lot less secretly than I think love high action fantasy and melodrama, especially when there’s lots of forehead smiting and general angst. (Maybe that’s why Aniston doesn’t do it for me – needs more angst, and maybe a bow and arrow…)

  2. Anna permalink
    October 7, 2011 7:47 am

    Did you see that movie with James Franco where he’s stuck in some mountain? It got so much critical acclaim and I just didn’t get it. At all. And I’m never getting that time back!! I definitely could have done without its existence. Also Buried with Ryan Reynolds. Ugh. I wish none of the Twilight movies had been made. Also the remake of Death at a Funeral. Who thought that would be a good idea?!? Every time I saw the trailer for it I wanted to stab someone. Fortunately, there aren’t too many others I can think of right now.

    • October 7, 2011 3:18 pm

      Oh, Forty Million Hours, or whatever? I didn’t see that, but I did catch the tail end. Actually, no matter how much critical acclaim it got, I already knew he spent the bulk of the film trapped in a crevice, and therefore most of the film would have to be flashback and childhood memories. That’s just a no right there, so no matter what kind of buzz there was about it I had no intention of actually watching the whole thing. Thanks for confirming the wisdom of that decision though, so I won’t accidentally get sucked in if it’s ever on television or something.

      same principle with Buried, I think? Man gets buried alive and therefore spends the bulk of the film in a box underground? No thank you. I think they even did another one where a guy was trapped in a phone booth for the whole movie. Maybe some innocent people get taken down by a sniper, but that shit gets old real fast.

      Had to google Death at a Funeral, but it turns out I did see that, and promptly forgot about. 2010 remake of a 2007 film? Really? It’s not like British films are unmarketable in the US. I guess they’re not as marketable as Chris Rock and Martin Lawrence.

      I haven’t seen any Twilight Movies either because frankly even the lead actor thought they were terrible, and the actress just looks like a sour bitch and i got sick of her face on the tabloids at Foodland. I’m just trying to buy some yogurt, I don’t need this actress’s gym-sock-eating, grimace of a smile on the cover of every single magazine.

      • Anna permalink
        October 7, 2011 5:40 pm

        You know what especially sucked about those two movies? There WEREN’T flashbacks! I basically spent hours of my life watching two hot guys be stuck somewhere. Wtf. I’m glad I could do you the favor of assuring you of their ridiculousness so you don’t similarly waste your time.

        Perhaps random British guys aren’t as marketable as Chris Rock and Martin Lawrence, but their comedy is far more intelligent and therefore more amusing. I’ve boycotted the remake. Also yeah. 3 years apart? Wtf. They seem to be on a remake rampage lately, which is just depressing. Can’t they come up with their own movies? Is originality dead?

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHA @ Twilight girl’s face. XD Twilight is way too popular for anyone’s good. *sigh*

  3. October 9, 2011 3:59 pm

    Hereafter did indeed suck.

    However, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess you didn’t see “Horrible Bosses”.

    Not that it will completely change your opinion about Jennifer Anniston, but I think it would probably keep you from saying anything with her in it sucks. She was very funny, and I thought she was pretty “ballsy” for playing against type so drastically.

    • October 9, 2011 5:21 pm

      Guilty as charged! I definitely judged “Horrible Bosses” by its title, so I haven’t seen it yet. Maybe “against type” is what Aniston’s career really needs, though. Lord knows she can’t keep playing the Love Interest forever – it’s about time she branched out.

      In her defense, she was the best of a bad bunch in “Just Go With It,” also.

      (And you reminded me she was in “The Office,” which I enjoyed, so forsooth, I didst speak in haste!)

      • Anna permalink
        October 10, 2011 8:19 am

        Honestly, I didn’t feel Horrible Bosses was worth watching, so I think you were right in judging it. I feel like the trailer made it out to be funnier than it actually was. But Jennifer Aniston WAS awesome in it. Unfortunately, her role and the star power of the film didn’t save it, so I would advise proceeding with caution when watching it.

  4. October 11, 2011 10:46 pm

    Hereafter is actually not that bad, even if I prefer the badass, old times Clint.
    As for Jennifer Aniston, you didn’t mention Horrible Bosses. Which is good, I actually enjoyed it!

    BTW I loved this post, hope you’ll make a successful series out of it. ‘Cause, you know, there are so many movies that should have never been made!

    • October 11, 2011 11:26 pm

      re: Hereafter – you know, I can see the appeal of this movie when you’re looking for a particular experience, but I get this a lot with Clint Eastwood-directed films: rather than getting caught up in the story and simply enjoying myself, I find that instead I’m watching decisions; director’s decisions, writers’, lighting, actors’ decisions, and it really pulls me out of the story, kind of like “oh hey, I see what you did there,” when I don’t want to see, I just want to enjoy. It has a lot to do with personal taste and things I tend to look for (or at) in a movie experience.

      I haven’t seen “Horrible Bosses” but I’ve heard nothing but praise for Aniston’s performance, which makes me want to take a look. To be honest, my loathing of that actress stems from overexposure ever since the Brad Pitt debacle. It’s like tabloids have been covering nothing else for the last hundred years, so I suffered a sort of personal backlash. I love to be proven wrong, and I would love to see her playing against type and delivering a worthy performance, so I’m going to have to check it out.

      By the way, I loved your article on Fog’s today, so I’ll be seeing you around!

  5. Anna permalink
    October 15, 2011 6:51 am

    This one I completely forgot about – for good reason. Super should never have been made. Definitely wasted my life watching that, hoping it would get better later in the film. It didn’t.

    • October 15, 2011 10:21 am

      ??? I’ve never even heard of that but now I know to definitely stay away from it.

      Bad film never get better towards the end! Just turn them off! Throw them away! Alert the world!

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